i broke down again. so much negativity just overwhelmed me that i needed a moment to cry it all out. this dark cloud just won't go away. i can never be certain about anything and it's really scaring me to the point that it's shaking me and making me wheeze. i needed this tho. i don't know why, but i needed to go through this. i've come to realize to cherish more and more of what/who matters most to me. but i am still at the same place. i just want to get away. it's hard to think straight so i have to write it out....
i think everyday i will make small goal(S) so that i can build up my self-esteem and confidence, which are so sorely in lacking atm. Life is full of uncertainty, but i really can't lose myself and my dreams. I must stay persevere and not lose focus. I just have to hope for the best because in the end, that is all that that i got by my side.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Evaluation
I finally mustered up the courage to fill out an evaluation sheet in order to get a pay raise/promotion. The manager that I had a crush on promised to do my evaluation, but I had to keep nag him a whole week to get to my evaluation cuz that week was his last week as manager of our floor before leaving to the other floor. When it finally came, we sat in a room alone together with the door left open. I've never had this much privacy with him before so it was a bit scary (?)
We got right down to business as we sat across from each other with my evaluation sheet on the table. He started out with saying that in order to pass, the top two categories needed perfect scores regardless of how perfect the other categories were...
=________= Fck
I immediately knew I was not going to pass, but we ended up going through each category and talking about them. But the thought of not passing already sorta made everything else he said afterwards go in one ear and then out the other..it just didn't matter anymore. So I just nodded and tried my best to smile to look like I was taking in everything he was saying to me. He was also trying to speak as gently as possible cuz like he said already "I know it's disappointing...blah-blah".
To make it more optimistic, he then went on to say that I would be better prepared for the next evaluation happening in August. He also knew about me moving to Georgia Tech, so he asked me when I was leaving, so he asked when I was leaving, so I replied "no later than August." dead awkwardness follows....~.~
the more he talked, the angrier i became inside. i just wanted to storm out of that room and never see him again. and then i remembered that I had liked this guy alot before, and more disappointment followed. So I just sat there and listened to more of what he had to say.
Then he asked how long I was gonna be in Georgia and I said ~4 yrs. He said that there will be a store opening at Atlanta in a few yrs so i could be supervisor there then....>.> omg when he said this, my eyes narrowed, and i really thought to myself.."is this guy kidding me?" smh..why am i still sitting here? ..sigh
I think he sensed that his apologetic conversation wasn't exactly working for me cuz it just got more awkward. So he ended it by saying that he would be my future reference if I needed him. I don't remember next if he offered his number or if I asked for it to seize the opportunity, but the next thing I remembered is him writing down his cell number on my notepad. I had dreamed of different scenarios of getting his number or me giving my number to him, but not like this. It was just so sad. I glanced at the number, but I was more interested in his full name cuz i never knew his last name.
John Dwyer.
Another piece of info that I had gathered about him..from Connecticut, went to Syracuse University for business major, trained at Japan, and somehow used his cute charming skills to move up the ranks.
So the meeting ended, thank god! All the feelings I had felt for him were dumped in that room too. Time to move on and get out!
We got right down to business as we sat across from each other with my evaluation sheet on the table. He started out with saying that in order to pass, the top two categories needed perfect scores regardless of how perfect the other categories were...
=________= Fck
I immediately knew I was not going to pass, but we ended up going through each category and talking about them. But the thought of not passing already sorta made everything else he said afterwards go in one ear and then out the other..it just didn't matter anymore. So I just nodded and tried my best to smile to look like I was taking in everything he was saying to me. He was also trying to speak as gently as possible cuz like he said already "I know it's disappointing...blah-blah".
To make it more optimistic, he then went on to say that I would be better prepared for the next evaluation happening in August. He also knew about me moving to Georgia Tech, so he asked me when I was leaving, so he asked when I was leaving, so I replied "no later than August." dead awkwardness follows....~.~
the more he talked, the angrier i became inside. i just wanted to storm out of that room and never see him again. and then i remembered that I had liked this guy alot before, and more disappointment followed. So I just sat there and listened to more of what he had to say.
Then he asked how long I was gonna be in Georgia and I said ~4 yrs. He said that there will be a store opening at Atlanta in a few yrs so i could be supervisor there then....>.> omg when he said this, my eyes narrowed, and i really thought to myself.."is this guy kidding me?" smh..why am i still sitting here? ..sigh
I think he sensed that his apologetic conversation wasn't exactly working for me cuz it just got more awkward. So he ended it by saying that he would be my future reference if I needed him. I don't remember next if he offered his number or if I asked for it to seize the opportunity, but the next thing I remembered is him writing down his cell number on my notepad. I had dreamed of different scenarios of getting his number or me giving my number to him, but not like this. It was just so sad. I glanced at the number, but I was more interested in his full name cuz i never knew his last name.
John Dwyer.
Another piece of info that I had gathered about him..from Connecticut, went to Syracuse University for business major, trained at Japan, and somehow used his cute charming skills to move up the ranks.
So the meeting ended, thank god! All the feelings I had felt for him were dumped in that room too. Time to move on and get out!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
oh boy here i go again
ahh jeez,
..why does he have to be so sweet?
and with those cute puppy eyes and smile too!
he knows he's cute even though he's balding,
and his vicinity can easily throw me into utter confusion!
i can't help but wonder if he knows how much influence he has over me,
cuz i can say yes to just about anything he asks,
his gentleness makes me weak inside,
but i can only return a cold, stone facial expression...
--the dreamy soul w/ the aching heart
..why does he have to be so sweet?
and with those cute puppy eyes and smile too!
he knows he's cute even though he's balding,
and his vicinity can easily throw me into utter confusion!
i can't help but wonder if he knows how much influence he has over me,
cuz i can say yes to just about anything he asks,
his gentleness makes me weak inside,
but i can only return a cold, stone facial expression...
--the dreamy soul w/ the aching heart
Thursday, February 9, 2012
freakish dream
I just woke up from a freakish nightmare that felt more like it came out from one of those korean scary movies...and i felt like i needed to log this down before i forget it...I also added some pics that i drew from paint so i tried my best.
I can't really remember how the dream started off, but what I remember was that I was in a large room with grey walls and so the environment looked very grey and dark. I was sliding down a zip line in chase of a friend, who was also on the zip line chasing another person in front. So there were 3 ppl on this zip line right now. The person my friend was chasing after was dressed all in white and had a pony tail with dirty blonde hair. From the angry expressions on my friend, it looked like the person in white was a traitor of some sort. I can't remember if my friend was a male or female nor any other description, except that i remember caring about that person, and that's why I was chasing after my friend in case s/he needed help.
Near the end of the zip line, my friend reached to the person in white first, obviously. And they are in a fight and my friend is losing. When I reach there, I don't remember what happened next but I was already laying on the ground only slightly conscious.
In the next scene, when my eyes open up, I saw two IV needles on my right arm, one on the inside of my arm where my elbow bends and the other one near my wrist on the left side. Someone appeared to detach both IV needles off of me, but she left one of those plastic plugs that you would find on a balloon that keeps the air in, and there was a band-aid around it. I felt like I was under a lot of heavy drugs, but when I noticed the plugs, I made an effort to call out to the "nurse" to tell her that she forgot the plugs and that I didn't want them there. But no one listened and I was wheeled into another room.
In the next room, there was only light coming from the projector that was in front of me and a computer screen on a table to the far right. My head kept bobbing from side to side, prolly from the drugs. I hear a "cinch" sound and I think it was someone attaching something to the back of my lower neck. After making that connection, I tried to look over to the computer and I saw someone in front of the computer screen. On the screen, I could only make out "1 of 32 concepts". That person on the computer clicked on it and images started flashing by on the projector. When I see them, I remember telling myself that they looked like events from my childhood memories, except that I couldn't remember them when I was fully conscious. The next thing that popped up on the computer screen read: "Saving 1 of 32 concepts". It made me wonder if these ppl were trying to tap into my unconscious memories??? Then I started panicking in my mind and looked for a way to get out. Then another msg popped up on the computer screen that said "? of 32 concepts". I can't remember the exact number and that's why it's a question mark now. I do remember the person on the computer looking surprised and responded with "Well that's something new." When he clicked on the msg, another set of images flashed by on the projection screen and that's when I passed out.
When I regained consciousness, I was still in the same room. But the computer screen and projector had been turned off. I still felt very weak in energy level. The person that had attached the thing to my neck was in the process of removing it. After that was detached, she proceeded to remove the tubes that I just noticed that had been attached my IV spots. When the tube was removed from the one on my left wrist, I saw blood coming out of it and I motioned to her about it.
She understood what I was trying to do and she wiped the blood around the plastic plug, but didn't do anything further. I must have given her a look of utter horror cuz she then bent down near to my right ear and said: "Next time, cut it in the middle" as she touched the insertion site of my insulin pump. I think I responded with "What do you mean cut there?" Then something dawned on me and I just remembered that I had been having dreams of someone visiting me to do something at those insertion sites, and this made me realize that those weren't dreams, but that they actually happened.
Then I woke up from my nap. This was so freakishly weird and one of the more vivid dreams that I recalled with this much detail.
I can't really remember how the dream started off, but what I remember was that I was in a large room with grey walls and so the environment looked very grey and dark. I was sliding down a zip line in chase of a friend, who was also on the zip line chasing another person in front. So there were 3 ppl on this zip line right now. The person my friend was chasing after was dressed all in white and had a pony tail with dirty blonde hair. From the angry expressions on my friend, it looked like the person in white was a traitor of some sort. I can't remember if my friend was a male or female nor any other description, except that i remember caring about that person, and that's why I was chasing after my friend in case s/he needed help.
Near the end of the zip line, my friend reached to the person in white first, obviously. And they are in a fight and my friend is losing. When I reach there, I don't remember what happened next but I was already laying on the ground only slightly conscious.
In the next scene, when my eyes open up, I saw two IV needles on my right arm, one on the inside of my arm where my elbow bends and the other one near my wrist on the left side. Someone appeared to detach both IV needles off of me, but she left one of those plastic plugs that you would find on a balloon that keeps the air in, and there was a band-aid around it. I felt like I was under a lot of heavy drugs, but when I noticed the plugs, I made an effort to call out to the "nurse" to tell her that she forgot the plugs and that I didn't want them there. But no one listened and I was wheeled into another room.
In the next room, there was only light coming from the projector that was in front of me and a computer screen on a table to the far right. My head kept bobbing from side to side, prolly from the drugs. I hear a "cinch" sound and I think it was someone attaching something to the back of my lower neck. After making that connection, I tried to look over to the computer and I saw someone in front of the computer screen. On the screen, I could only make out "1 of 32 concepts". That person on the computer clicked on it and images started flashing by on the projector. When I see them, I remember telling myself that they looked like events from my childhood memories, except that I couldn't remember them when I was fully conscious. The next thing that popped up on the computer screen read: "Saving 1 of 32 concepts". It made me wonder if these ppl were trying to tap into my unconscious memories??? Then I started panicking in my mind and looked for a way to get out. Then another msg popped up on the computer screen that said "? of 32 concepts". I can't remember the exact number and that's why it's a question mark now. I do remember the person on the computer looking surprised and responded with "Well that's something new." When he clicked on the msg, another set of images flashed by on the projection screen and that's when I passed out.
When I regained consciousness, I was still in the same room. But the computer screen and projector had been turned off. I still felt very weak in energy level. The person that had attached the thing to my neck was in the process of removing it. After that was detached, she proceeded to remove the tubes that I just noticed that had been attached my IV spots. When the tube was removed from the one on my left wrist, I saw blood coming out of it and I motioned to her about it.
She understood what I was trying to do and she wiped the blood around the plastic plug, but didn't do anything further. I must have given her a look of utter horror cuz she then bent down near to my right ear and said: "Next time, cut it in the middle" as she touched the insertion site of my insulin pump. I think I responded with "What do you mean cut there?" Then something dawned on me and I just remembered that I had been having dreams of someone visiting me to do something at those insertion sites, and this made me realize that those weren't dreams, but that they actually happened.
 |
| a sample image of an insertion site for the insulin pump |
Then I woke up from my nap. This was so freakishly weird and one of the more vivid dreams that I recalled with this much detail.
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